Burnout Isn't Fun

Stop Burning The Candle, Joe

I wanted to write about Pluribus. It didn’t come to me. I wanted to write about anything. It didn’t come to me. I sit here in my pyjamas writing into some kind of void hoping this miraculously helps to bring my spark back. I’ve not been the kindest to myself recently, and I feel like that’s having an impact on the work I do and the quality that I put out.

I say that as if my quality matters; my writing isn’t meant to be some kind of metric to measure myself against others. It’s pointless to even try to do that, and it’ll just make me feel even worse by the time it begins to mean anything. I just need to give myself some time to actually feel like I have something worthwhile to say.

I’ve been putting myself under an incredible amount of pressure to be someone impressive. To be someone that people can point at and say “hey, I know Joe. I think Joe is a good writer”, because I really don’t feel like it at the moment. The best that I can say for myself is that I’ve never and will never even begin to think about using gen AI for any of my writing. Any blood that you squeeze out of this stone is my blood alone.

Which - despite everything - is a nice hill to die on. Even if I write nothing, it’s better than asking that stupid machine to puke something out for me. I want to be able to be impressive, I just don’t know that I am. I think that’s called Imposter Syndrome, and it’s all I’ve got on the mind right now.

It might also just be down to me living with someone who could not give less of a fuck about the work that I produce or the time that goes into it. Despite how much I want to say that the opinions of others don’t bother me, they do. Living with someone who constantly downplays the writing that I pride myself on makes me feel like I really should pack it in, that there are others out there who are better suited for this gig than me. I’m lucky that people are kind enough to hear me out on pitches.

This sounds like me just fishing for pity or some kind of encouragement. I’m surrounded by the most supportive colleagues and the best thing that I could think to do is scream into the void about burning out, as if nobody else has done the same or hit the same brick wall in this profession.

I’m not about to drop off the face of the Earth, I just want to try and be a bit kinder to myself and to ease some of the pressure I feel. I constantly feel the need to impress, and I think that’s a big reason why I feel so lousy. I love this place, and I love the people in it, I don’t think that’s about to change any time soon. I just wish I had the magic solution to beating this stupid mindset of not feeling good enough.

I want to do this for myself, most of all. And I really really shouldn’t be pushing myself to do more than that. If I don’t love something, I don’t want it to go out.

Which is hypocritical of me, because I hate writing this. I hate admitting that I’m struggling or that I might need a helping hand from time to time. It’s honestly petrifying, to some extent. I like to keep up this image that I’m doing well, or that I’m just ‘busy’ with stuff, but the truth is no.

I struggle with incredible guilt. Any time I spend playing stuff that isn’t work, is waste. I feel eyes boring into the back of my head asking “why aren’t you writing. this isn’t valuable or productive.” “Why are you watching movies?”.

I’m stuck in a rut, and I’m doing what I can to get through to the other side as best as I can. There aren’t any excuses I can give for my struggle, it’s just there. Anybody who knows me knows that I don’t do this without feeling incredibly deflated, but I thought it would be better to shake off some of the dust and get my fingers back typing in a way that doesn’t feel totally alien.

And, to be fair, it feels quite nice to be able to type and not have to stop and think for an hour. I need to be kinder to myself. I need to be.